This 29-year-old woman has been in a relationship with her boyfriend, 31, for the past seven years. Throughout their relationship, she expressed that she hoped for them to be engaged four years into dating. When she told her boyfriend this, he thought this was a good plan for their future.
Halfway through their fourth year of dating, she broached the subject again and reiterated that she wanted to marry him. At this point, her boyfriend was working on his master’s, and he told her that he’d like to be able to pay off his student loans and become more financially stable before getting married.
Even though this bothered her, she kept her thoughts to herself and agreed to wait longer. She acknowledged that they were in a partnership, so she wanted to do her best to compromise.
Her boyfriend currently has an impressive salary, and two years into dating, she and her boyfriend lived together.
They were long-distance while he was doing his master’s program. Now that she works remotely, she had more freedom to choose where she wanted to live, so she moved to her boyfriend’s hometown, which was three hours away from where they’d first lived together.
“I have been seeing all my friends and cousins getting married, and it’s hard to feel happy on such a joyous occasion when your ring finger feels so empty, and everyone starts asking you. Lately, my partner has been thriving in work and enjoying his new life, and it’s almost as if he forgot about our personal goals,” she said.
Later, she tried having a discussion with her boyfriend once more about marriage, and she got the feeling that he was reluctant. He claimed that he didn’t have enough money saved up for an engagement ring or a wedding, yet she noticed that he seemed to find the money to spend on a motorbike that he’d been dreaming about owning since his childhood.
During their talk, her boyfriend questioned why she needed a “stamp of validation” for their relationship, and he continued, saying that it wasn’t necessary for them to get married since she already had health insurance.
Afterward, she was devastated. She wondered why her boyfriend didn’t believe she was worthy of being married to him and being his wife after dating him for so many years and being his girlfriend.
Also, she questioned whether or not he cares about her enough or has enough love for her to express his feelings through “a romantic gesture.” Her boyfriend made her wonder if she mattered as much as the motorbike that he was willing to spend money on.
“I talked to my sister, who got engaged two years into her relationship, and her approach was simple yet effective. She told me to withdraw all wife privileges from him until I get that title and that he has to ‘earn’ me–not cleaning and cooking for him, moving out, not paying for his expenses sometimes–stuff like that,” she explained.
When the lease on the apartment she was living in with her boyfriend was up, she didn’t renew it, and her boyfriend was furious.
In his perspective, this wasn’t appropriate behavior on her part, and he felt that they needed to live together so that they could feel close to one another and maintain that closeness. He continued, telling her that her recent actions were setting the tone for their future marriage.
She told her boyfriend that she had essentially acted like his wife without the official marriage certificate. In her view, she was completely selfless and giving throughout the relationship, with marriage in the near future being her only stipulation.
For her, it’s been more than enough time.
In addition, she told her boyfriend, “‘I don’t really believe in ultimatums–so, I am not going to force your hand. I am simply acting as your girlfriend now. If you really want our relationship to go back to what it was, you better give me an upgrade,'” she shared.
While she could propose to her boyfriend instead of the other way around, she believes in more traditional relationship dynamics, so this doesn’t appeal to her. Her boyfriend feels the same way, and she thinks that their relationship is just as valid as non-traditional relationship dynamics.
She pointed out that in relationships between a man and a woman, usually when a woman brings up the subject of marriage, this is her version of a marriage proposal. From there, she believes that the male partner within the relationship should then take the necessary steps to propose to her and move their relationship forward if that’s what he wants as well.
In her opinion, if a woman talks about marriage and her boyfriend doesn’t take action, and she proposes to him instead, she would be humiliating herself.
Plus, she believes that it’s ignorant for people to ignore the fact that for as much progress as society has made, there are still norms in place when it comes to relationships, and most couples still adhere to those norms.
Without a proposal and an engagement ring, she isn’t engaged and can’t plan a wedding. She knows that before planning too far in advance, she needs affirmation from her boyfriend that he wants the same future she does, and she needs him to make that clear with a proposal.
What would you do if you were in her shoes?
You can read the original post on Reddit here.
